Because we have begun a new year, I will now resort to that old newspaper cliché: making resolutions.
I know, I know. I hate em, too. But you have to keep trying, right? And, like the poor devil crawling across the desert afraid to stop wiggling for fear the buzzards will assume hes on the menu, I thought Id take a stab at some, just to keep people from thinking old Smelly Kelly is done for, even if thats what most of the evidence suggests.
And it may help for me to point out that I firmly believe the key to making successful new years resolutions is to be realistic and keep them modest in scope.
Therefore, I resolve to stay retired for all of 2016. This sounds unambitious to most ears, Im sure, but its not. The fact that I continue to submit these things to the newspaper gives me away as only a partially retired pundit, so I cling to true retirement by the slimmest of threads.
Because alcohol affects my judgment in a most peculiar way, I resolve not to have more than two drinks at any one sitting. I already try to subscribe to this philosophy, but I think its worth reminding myself that its a good policy. You know how often you decide, after that first couple of drinks that Hey, if I feel this good now, imagine how much better Ill feel if I have one more but it never works that way. Next thing you know, youre engaging in risky and dangerous behavior and your wife is telling everybody about that time you were a complete jackass by climbing up something that was never intended to be climbed by overweight, balding old fools like, you know, me.
As a sidebar to that last resolution, allow me to add this: I resolve never to forget that having more than two drinks does NOT make me more clever or witty. I know it seems (in my own head) that it may, but it really doesnt. I know this is true because its been told to me many, many, many times. And, of course, I had my fathers example to go by, which I think of as an almost-lifelong Exhibit A.
I resolve to redouble my efforts to convince the other person who lives at our house that, in my estimation, the sun rises and sets in her unearthly countenance. This no doubt sounds like the most absurd of all my resolutions anyone who knows me at all will testify that I could not be any more devoted to the person whos shared my name for almost 49 years but the last few months, as Ive served as primary caregiver while shes suffered from failing hip joints and subsequent recovery from bilateral hip replacement, Ive learned that I actually really do love her more every day, so sue me.
I resolve to continue rooting for the Ducks. As I told my friend Kevin last week, when I was leaving his house for home after that historic, three-overtime comeback by a plucky TCU team, It IS only a game, you know. I said that because he was visibly upset, and he isnt a native Oregonian, a graduate of the UO (as I am), or even a huge follower of college football. And after I said it, I had the strangest feeling that it was, after all, indeed true.
I resolve to continue exercising every day, either by walking at least half an hour or going to my fitness club, where I can do an assortment of physical things. Thats the advantage of already doing something good. Resolving to keep it up is, I believe, every bit as admirable as you folks who make similar promises but just happen to be starting from scratch.
I also resolve to keep watching what I eat. Unlike the other person who lives at our house (who is a snacker), I can limit myself to proper meals at designated mealtimes, but I am a glutton who needs to remember that (not unlike the drinking mentioned in resolution No. 2), I only need so much food to be full. I know that, but Im always suspicious that I may not get enough.
Mikel Kelly is the former chief of the central design desk for Community Newspapers and the Portland Tribune, and he contributes a regular column.
